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Have You Got A Licence For That?

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prizeA licence?

For software?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Would you like to impress your small business-owning boss (should you have one)?

Prepare to snivel.

We have two – yes, just TWO – 1 year licenses to Microsoft Office 365 Small Business Premium, worth €150 EACH to give way as part of the #getitdoneIRL  project, a Microsoft Ireland Small Businesses initiative.

Darragh writes:

It has all the features and programmes of Office, with the benefit of it being ‘in the cloud’, so it’s available wherever there is an internet. There’s also business-class email, a public website, web conferencing, and document sharing – all easy to manage, without IT expertise.

Perfect for anyone that has an old (or dodgy) copy of Office and would like an upgrade, sez Karl.

To enter, just complete this sentence.

My boss/small business needs this because our current programme cannot____________________

Lines close at 6pm SHARP.

Hahahahahahahaha

Meanwhile, there are over €5,000 worth of prizes being given out today between #getitdoneIRL, the Microsoft Ireland Facebook page, the Microsoft Ireland Work Smart LinkedIn Group. See who is winning what here.

No tickets, favours, Microsoft products were given for this post.

Pils ‘N’ Thrills And Reddy Ales

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family

Let’s get this Christmas party started.

We have one (yes ONE) case, that’s 48 bottles of McGargles beer to give away.

It’s a gateway to craft.

mcgargles

You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your beer..

Or who YOU give it to

Just complete this sentence

Please send a case of McGargles to _____________because he/she__________________

Lines close at 4pm.

McGargles Irish Family Brewers

No cash, favours, ‘six packs’, etc were given for this post other than the prize.

 

Update:

Runners up:

Monkeyman: “Please send a case of McGargles to my daughters granny Eileen (mother in law) because she will be unbearable on christmas day without a fiery brew to cancel out her bitter but well rounded ‘charm’.”

J: “Please send a case of McGargles to my better half, because he really is that. He does the all the early morning shifts and bedtime routine with our cracked in the head toddler, plus he’ll need something to numb the pain while he’s been used as a toddler climbing frame.”

FergusMc: “Please send a case of McGargles to Carrie from Homeland because she is a complete gimp. I’m glad I got that off my chest.”

Thirsty:Please send a case of McGargles to my sister Sarah because she’ll be home to Dublin from New York next week for her wedding and part of our ploy to get herself and her husband to be to move back permanently is to convince them that Irish beer really can compete with the offering in the US!”

Winner:

Dangerfield:Please send a case of McGargles to my brother’s husband because he used to drink swill but since they moved to Canada he’s moved onto craft beers so he needs something locally brewed to keep his thirst quenched while he’s home for the holliers and dealing with his gaggle of crazy sisters.”

Thanks all

Scrum Enchanted Evening

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Leinster

Would you like to spend Valentine’s night with these three gentlemen and their friends?

We have one pair of tickets  – yes a PAIR  – to see Leinster this Friday night at the RDS, Ballsbridge, Dublin when they host the Newport Gwent Dragons.

Included will be a blue-themed ‘best dressed ladies’ competition and a roving ‘kiss cam’ with ‘spot prizes’ on offer.

It doesn’t get more romantic, in fairness.

To enter, just complete this verse

Roses are red, Leinster play in blue, I want the tickets_____________________

Lines close at 4:45pm.

Leinster Rugby

Oh, Mother

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mummy

Jill McKeagney writes:

Got this e-mail this morning from DoneDeal, giving one mother the lucky chance to get away from the sink this Mother’s Day

Sheesh.

Hipsterised Celebrities

Time And Place

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Three of the sixty finalists shortlisted from 50,000 submissions to the 11th Annual Smithsonian Magazine Photo Competition

Above: Americana category – A champion bucks a champion at the  Helmville Rodeo Montana, by Carol Lynne Fowler (September 2013); Natural World category – an Eastern screech owl at Okefenokee Swamp, Georgia by Graham McGeorge (April 2013) and in the Altered Images category ‘Babylon’ by Dina Bova  (October 2013).

See all 60 finalists here.

colossal

Fota Opportunity

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Care fore golf at all?

Wood you like to go to the Irish Open 2014 at Fota Island Resort in County Cork?

The Irish Open has given us one pair, yes, ONE pair of passes, for a day of your choice to go see amusing-trousered wild thing John Daly and recently declared 100% Irish beef Rory McIlroy.

To win the passes, simply complete the following

“I would like to take___________ to the Irish Open this weekend because____________________”

Lines MUST close at 5:15 pm 7:15 pm 9 pm

Update:

Congratulations Harchibald. The Good Helen won but can’t go, so by default you’re on the way to the Irish Open as best runner-up.

Thanks all.

Tickets here and children under 16 are free if accompanied.

Inspire A Generation

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xNRYkZX

James Keating writes:

I put together a video of last year’s Inspire a Generation film competition for Reachout.com. They’re still looking for entries to this year’s and the videos that are made for the competition focus on ways to get through tough times. I believe you shared the winner of the 2012 competition. Which I lost. But I digress. Entries are, for now, just a pitch for a two minute film idea, and shortlisted entries go on and make theirs. There’s quite a nice prize of €2,000 quid too


Punks That Felt Lucky

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The trigger-happy winners and infinitesimally off-target runners up of last Friday’s Do You Feel Lucky? competition.

The two soon-to-be proud owners of Cathryn Lavery’s superb limited edition Filmography Of Guns print (with collector’s book) are:
Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 00.06.43 Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 00.06.15
Special mention (but, sadly, no print ) to:

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 00.07.33 Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 00.07.01

To claim your prize (copes and Mark), please send your mailing address to broadsheet@broadsheet.ie and we’ll arrange to have your prints forwarded to you in the coming days.

Many thanks to everyone who gave it a shot.

Gave it a shot.

Ah, suit yourselves.

Animation: Sausage

This Just Gym

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With TWO €50 vouchers to spend at your ‘leisure’ on garments like the ones above [available here (women's) and here (men's)] at any branch of Life Style Sports on offer we asked:

What was your most memorable gym experience?

You answered in your dozens.

Warning: contains sharting

Runners up:

Anomanomanom: “My most unpleasant gym experience was I’m the locker room, I picked my towel and dried my face, then only realised I’d picked the towel up of the guy next to me who no more than 30 seconds ago was drying his nether regions. It was most unpleasant.”

Emma: “My most unpleasant gym experience involved 60 minutes on the cross trainer in grey tracksuit bottoms.Boring, soul destroying and left me with a not so discreet sweat patch around my nether regions, and a red face that was a combination of embarrassment and being completely unfit!”

Skeptik:Personally witnessing the reason Ben Dunne withdrew the hairdryers in the changing room, men drying their undercarriage with them. Flapping like the jowls of Bassett Hounds in a gale, they were…”

Seany_delight: “The kill chord (rope that stops the machine dead) on the thread mill getting caught on a pair of shorts, and running full speed into the control panelly bit. Managed to hit my knackers so hard I had to leave the gym. The worst part was it was during my assessment and I must now make eye contact with the instructor who could barely hold in his laughter every time I go back…”

Becca: My most unpleasant gym experience involved getting a present of 6 personal trainer sessions for Christmas a few years back. We were doing a core session, I was told to lie on my back and pass a gym ball from my feet to my hands, and needless to say the excesses of the Christmas period caught up on me and a little bit of flatulence popped out. I pretended it didn’t happen, she never said anything, but Rudolph would have been envious of how red my face went.”

 Sidewinder: “Silently competing with the only other person using the rowing machines, about four machines down, absolutely killing myself trying to keep pace and stay on longer than him. Finally giving up and moving to the treadmill and noticing in a mirror that the other person was Ronan O’Gara, that he had known exactly what I was doing and that he was laughing his ass off.”

JohnO: “I was at a MMA gym in the changing room surrounded by heavily muscled bald dudes with neck tattoos and overly large muscles. Some were wrapping their hands for fighting, some were icing injuries sustained while fighting. All were in various states of undress. Beside me someone had left their bag with their mobile phone it. They got a text message and their “hilarious” text message tone was a very low, almost shy, wolf whistle. Well when it went off every guy in the changing room glared at me assuming I’d whistled at them. I said “It looks like someone got a text message” and gestured to the bag. But not one, not one, laughed or smiled or anything. They just glared at me for an extra second or two and then went back to dressing/undressing.”

MickG: “My most unpleasant gym experience involved a new weight gain supplement which did not agree with me and a deadlift. To cut to the chase, I was deadlifting and shat myself. It was audible but not visible thanks to some tight boxer shorts and navy coloured tracksuit pants. It was 7am so not too busy but 2 lads definitely noticed the sound and my prompt exit.”

Winners:

ams: “Witnessing pubes being dried with the communal hairdryer in the ladies. No wonder I quit going.”

Haggis: “Doing some floor presses towards the end of a workout, when streams of sweat were running off the face of the guy who was spotting me on the presses. The sweat ran straight off his nose and chin and into my open mouth when I exhaled at the top of the first rep…. My spotter grinned, then laughed, and said, “I’m in you now, you’ve got my DNA in you”….Must have been a good 50 mls at least.. That was several weeks ago and I’m still gagging…”

Thanks all.

Previously: Get A Life Style

Spanky Panky

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saymrgrey_thumb
Vic Barry of The Movie Bit writes:

Hi Broadsheet people. We’re teaming up with The Reel cinema in Blackpool, Cork to give readers an opportunity to get their very own private screening of Fifty Shades Of Grey for themselves and ten friends. Female readers are being asked to get hold of their own Mr.Grey, and record him reciting one of Christian Grey’s famous lines.


(a) Laters, Baby
(b) I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living sh*t out of you.
(c) I do believe you’re making my palm twitch

Here now. Steady on.

More details here.

It’s A Small World After All

Hello World

Lucifer’s Lexicon

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unnamed

Further to last week’s Cursed Words post, Maeve Convery of Roads Publishing writes:

We’ve just released a new version of Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary as part of our classics series this month.

Roads has five shiny copies of the excellent 1906 satirical wordbook to give away to the Broadsheet reader who can come up with the wittiest and most devilish dictionary entry for a word of their own choosing. To wit:

Screen Shot 2015-08-10 at 16.41.00

You get the idea.

Lines MUST close at midnight.

The Devil’s Dictionary (Roads)


Well Defined

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unnamed

You may recall yesterday’s competition wherein we invited readers to submit wickedly inventive or otherwise entertaining definitions of words of their choice, egged on by the prospect of a free copy of The Devil’s Dictionary (1906) by Ambrose Bierce – a new version of which has just been released by the nice people at Roads Publishing.

You literally answered in your 47s.

The lucky Dr Johnsons are as follows.

WINNERS

Denizen: n. a person claiming citizenship of several countries simultaneously. (bisted)

Topaz (n) Gemstone once believed to have the power to shrink male genitalia (caroline)

TD: Former Irish educator who found they could neither do nor teach. (Mysteron)

Be grand: the idea that it will all turn out well at the end of the day; a sort of nervous, hopeful and yet cavalier attitude adopted by the Irish nation, often to their own detriment.eg. “Oh no Fintan your face is on fire! Shall I fetch a glass of water?”
“Will you get away out of that Gobnáit! I’ll just stick my head in this bucket of gick, be grand!” (meadowlark)

Arsessist (n): One who aggressively and relentlessly threatens litigation to defend a supposed reputation, recognised and revered by no-one but himself, making a complete arse of himself in the process. (Chucky R. Law)

RUNNER UP

Zylophone: n Incorrect spelling of Xylophone (Brian)

Thanks all.

Yesterday: Lucifer’s Lexicon

Free Tomorrow?

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website_images_900x600px_Rewind_Posterwebsite_images_900x600px_thething

Enjoy retro sci Fi?

Starting TOMORROW at the Rua Red South Dublin Arts Centre.

REWIND film festival.

Orla McGovern writes:

REWIND is  a 3 day retro sci-fi festival, with movies screenings as well as other live events and performances throughout! It really will be a great event for anyone esp. interested in anything retro or just big into sci-fi. The screenings nclude:

The Thing from Another World – classic 1950s cold war horror (5th Nov, 9pm)

Akira – the great cyberpunk thriller and anime classic. (7th Nov, 8.30pm)

Godzilla – the mother and father of all monster movies. (7th Nov, 10.30am)

Tron – one of the first to truly address our place in the digital age. (7th Nov, 3pm)

Sleeper – Woody Allen’s classic take on what the future holds. (6th Nov, 8.30pm)

THX 1138 – George Lucas’s real Sci-Fi classic! (6th Nov, 3pm)

All of these movies address the issue of identity in a technological age, with REWIND promising to be a silver screen celebration and an audio visual feast for the senses.

And we have three FREE tickets to the opening night to giveaway.

To enter, just tell us what retro sci fi movie you would like to see at REWIND and why?

Lines Must close at Midnight

REWIND

Too Late

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Yikes.

Stephen Malone writes:

Whoever is working on the Late Late questions maybe needs to put a bit more thought in.

Bitey Night

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A glass walled bedroom suite submerged 10m inside a shark tank at L’Aquarium de Paris, made available by airbnb, in collaboration with French design agency Ubi Bene.

Three lucky winners, chosen at random, will win a one-night sleepover.

Entries accepted here until April 3rd.

mymodernmet

Saucer Of Milk For Table Twelve

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unnamed Screen Shot 2016-08-11 at 23.17.45

Yesterday.

Liamo writes:

Bar wars. Spotted in Milan.

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